To Elope

When most people hear the word elope, they think about running off and getting married. They get excited as they imagine the exotic place they chose to run off and secretly wed without all the drama of a wedding.

Oh, how fun! They eloped!

I worked as a secretary on a busy surgical floor at the local community hospital when I was 18. One of my jobs was to read through the sloppy handwritten doctors notes in the patient’s chart and enter them into the computer system. I saw the phrase “elopement risk” on a chart, and I knew I had to be reading it wrong because that made no sense. I asked the charge nurse for help, and she confirmed it was correct – elopement risk.

I stood and stared at her for a moment, puzzled. Then asked, “He’s at risk of running off and getting married?”

She replied to me grumpily and impatiently, “It just means to run off. Not get married.”

“Oohhhhhhhhh. Ok…”

And that’s the day I learned that eloping is just the running off part. They eloped and got married, is how we should say it. But it is so commonly used that it is even listed first in the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

 

Definition of elope

1a: to run away secretly with the intention of getting married, usually without parental consent… 

b: to run away from one’s spouse with a lover

2a: to slip away : Escape

b: to leave a healthcare or educational facility without permission or authorization

 

I long for those simpler times when I only thought about marriage when I heard the word elope. For me, eloping dominates my life. Eloping is the cause of so much heartache for us and so many others. Eloping is a tragedy, and elopers need to be saved.

About 1 in 44 children in the US has Autism, and half of those diagnosed with Autism will engage in eloping/wandering behavior, leaving a safe environment with no concept of danger (Anderson, 2012).

My son, Sammy, wandered from the house the first time when he was a tiny toddler, only 18 months old. I was in the garage doing laundry, and his three-year-old sister opened the cat door, poked her little head through, and in the cutest, squeaky, panicked voice said, “Mommy! Sammy left and went to someone else’s house!”

I couldn’t really comprehend what she meant, but I knew I had to act fast. I grabbed her and ran out the front door, which was wide open now even though I had locked the deadbolt. She wasn’t wearing anything from the waist down, but I didn’t notice. And so here I am, running down my driveway carrying a half-naked three-year-old and begging her to point which way her little brother went.

She pointed down the road, and sure enough, there he was, just running down the street without a care in the world. My husband came running after us, and I pointed in the direction as he ran to get him. I went back inside and waited until he returned with little Sam in his arms. He said that he called his name over and over, and Sam didn’t even turn around. I had worked with kids most of my life. I knew so much about early childhood development, and I thought I had it all figured out, but this one stumped me. It just was such odd behavior, and I wondered if something was wrong with him.

Yes, toddlers do tend to wander, but at that age, they have separation anxiety developing. Usually, they won’t go far without looking for a familiar face. So, when daddy ran up behind him, calling his name, a typical 18-month-old would be happy to see him and react accordingly. Sammy just kept running, lost in his own little world and seemingly unaware of his surroundings.

The “what ifs” consumed me and kept me up all night. What if his sister hadn’t told me? How long would he have been running away without me even knowing? How far would he have gone? What if there had been a car coming? How would anyone know whose baby he was? What would they think of me if they saw my baby running down the road alone like that?!

His sister saved his life that day. I really believe that. He’s so blessed to have two amazing sisters.

Back then, I knew nothing about Autism. Really, nothing. I thought it had something to do with lack of eye contact, and that is all I knew. And Sam always made plenty of eye contact, so it definitely wasn’t Autism. I just thought he must be an extra rambunctious toddler and he will keep me on my toes. But I kept thinking back to that day when he ran off and how odd it was.

Sammy wasn’t diagnosed with Autism until an entire year later. Even though I kept bringing my concerns to the pediatrician, she assured me he was fine and “a walker, not a talker”.

And as much as I hated that quick dismissal of my worries with a simple rhyme, it remains an accurate description. He is 16 now and still not much of a talker. And he’s still a walker, he’ll wander off with no safety awareness.

Eloping has been a constant theme in his life, unpredictable and across all setting and despite numerous interventions and years of hard work to get the eloping to stop.

And he is as fast as an antelope.

I used to think earlier diagnosis would’ve made a difference, but I don’t think so now. Later diagnosis, age two and a half, and an old fashioned pediatrician were just convenient scapegoats for a mama trying to come to grips with things not going according to plan.

Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and Roman emperor born 1900 years ago, said that you should do what you are meant to do, and stop resisting or trying to be something different. And I feel that since I am the mother of one of the most eloping-est kids ever, I am meant to be a protector of the elopers.

I am someone who can help bring peace and joy to the families, caregivers, and eloping people everywhere. Their lives have tremendous value and we all deserve a safe place to feel free and have autonomy. I am on a mission to create the venue we need, and this blog will follow that journey.

The Journey to Wanderhaven.

 

References

Occurrence and Family Impact of Elopement in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders – Connie Anderson, J. Kiely Law, Amy Daniels, Catherine Rice, David S. Mandell, Louis Hagopian and Paul A. Law – Pediatrics; originally published online October 8, 2012; DOI: 10.1542/peds.2012-0762